i think one of my biggest problems is that i turn everything into an obligation, even things i enjoy. writing fics? i have to do it, otherwise i'm not bringing anything to the fandom. cooking or baking for friends that are coming over? i have to show them hospitality, i have to do all the things i've planned to do and i can't later decide to . taking photos at figure skating competitions? i should be making the most of every event, i have to be official press, i have to post photos constantly, i have to, i have to--
these are the most "reasonable" ones, the ones a lot of people experience, i think. but i just realised that it goes even deeper, at least in my case. listening to some podcasts? well, i can do it while working, so why the hell would i not do it. i enjoy it at other times, and i like multitasking, and it doesn't matter that right now i'm kind of overloading and would actually maybe prefer to just listen to some chill music in the background and not think while i do mindless photoshop work. playing mobile games to unwind? oh fuck, if i don't play this song today, i won't get a reward, so i should open the game instead of lying down— why not? i enjoy(ed) playing them, right? playing any videogames? a lot of people enjoy them, and i have them on steam, so i should relax by playing them. god, listen to this: I SHOULD RELAX IN THIS SPECIFIC WAY THAT HELPS OTHER PEOPLE BUT NOT ME BC OF ???? REASONS I GUESS
even going out to have coffee – earlier today i was trying to understand if i actually wanted to do it (and i do often, it's true) or if i had just wanted it earlier, and thus had decided to do it, and somehow i couldn't just change the plan. (i did go out, and i'm still not sure if i really wanted to.)
and it's funny, because this is the thing that kickstarted my depression five years ago, too! this feeling of "i have to i have to" and simultaneous unwillingness to do anything, like my brain and body and everything just had had ENOUGH and wanted nothing to do with any of it anymore. nope. we're out. which. understandable.
and yet, five years later, i'm still conditioning myself into doing everything at the same amount of intensity all the time, or i feel like a failure. i always have to use the time to full capacity, which hinders my ability to understand what i actually want to do. have some free time? instead of trying to gauge what i feel like doing, i'm mentally going through every single thing i had thought i should do. god. no wonder i'm fucking exhausted lately if this is what i do when i think i'm relaxing.